I wish I’d finished Elden Ring, I really do. But it’s never going to happen. Even if I had the patience to ‘git gud’ by sheer practice, I just don’t have the time for a brutally difficult game that you can’t pause. I died once when the postman knocked on the door. Other deaths occurred when I went to stir a pot of curry or when my infant daughter woke up crying. FromSoftware games just aren’t built for people with real lives.

It’s infuriating, because I could feel myself improving as time went on. I must have played for about 20 hours before packing it in, and I think it says it all that I defeated the Tree Sentinel before Margit, The Fell Omen. I fell to Margit twice before realising I was outclassed, so promptly went and explored as much of the world as I could before returning. After prancing around most of Limgrave, the Weeping Peninsula, and Caelid, Margit was no match for my Golden Halberd. After dancing similarly happily through Stormveil Castle, I ventured north with the same idea in mind: exploration.

I played Elden Ring by mostly dodging combat. I know that’s not the point, but it was the only way I could experience any of the game when I could be called away from the screen at any moment. I saw sad, decaying dragons (but didn’t fight them), I teetered along ramparts (but didn’t fight on them), and I dodged away from all manner of gruesome magicians and unbearable foes (in order to not fight them).

I walked, ran, and rode around The Lands Between like I was David Attenborough, gazing upon this epic landscape and the pitiable creatures that roamed it as an outside observer. I took on a few other minor bosses and upgraded my gear (more Fashion Souls than min-maxing), but mostly watched as the next terrifying creature emerged from lake or sky. I still remember the first time I stumbled upon a fantastical elevator and descended under The Lands Between, to be met with the most beautiful night sky I’ve ever seen and the ruins of an ancient civilisation to explore. Few moments in video games can surpass that.

via FromSoftware

Elden Ring is exactly my brand of fantasy. It’s dark, gritty, and original. It’s one of the most creative universes I’ve ever seen on page or screen, and I adore how messed up every creature is. I would love to pore over every tidbit of lore revealed in a random conversation or item description, I would love to piece together the family tree of the Elden Lords by defeating them in mortal combat, and I would love to know what the Erdtree’s whole deal is. But that would mean engaging in the game’s brutal, unstoppable combat.

I understand that this is good game design. FromSoftware is forcing players to engage with its core gameplay loop in order to find out more about the incredible world it has created. But if I can’t level up because I keep dying when I would have paused the game, I’m going to tap out. It’s even more heartbreaking that I saw tangible progress in my abilities in the brief time I did play. I got better, I beat bosses, I timed dodges, I can’t pause oh no help I’ve got to - I’m dead. Again.

I agree to play offline. I’ll miss the funny messages left by other players but I’m not good enough to lay down the gauntlet in PvP. I’m fine sacrificing that strandlike aspect of the game to be able to pause, suspend the game, and play on after life's interruption.

As Shadows of the Erdtree’s trailer dropped, I felt yet more yearning to be able to play this game. What’s that half-mechanical, half-biological lion all about? Who’s the next redhead? What on earth is going on with that skeletal figure trying to pull a weapon out of its head? I need to know that its neck tears asunder in its efforts and it decides to attack us with its own noggin instead of a weapon proper. But I’ll never get to experience that.

I’m not asking for an easy mode. I’m not even asking for a pause button, albeit that would solve my problems. I’m just expressing anguish, and regret, that I’m not able to experience this wonderful, imaginative game. The Shadow of the Erdtree DLC just doubles down on that FOMO, and I had to write from the heart. I hope you all enjoy it, I really do. I’ll be here narrating from the sidelines.

Next: Of Course Elden Ring Shadow Of The Erdtree Has Berserk References