Top 10 Game Boy Advance Games I Absolutely Do Not Want To See On Switch

With the release of Golden Sun and Golden Sun: The Lost Age to Nintendo Switch, fans are one step closer to having all of the best Game Boy Advance games of all time in one place. And while some titles, like GBA Castlevania and Mega Man Battle Network games, are available in other collections, others have been tragically dropped by the wayside. It would be amazing to have Sega’s Pinball of the Dead in there. I’d love it if the incredible GBA port Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2 was ready to play. Even smaller games like Rebelstar: Tactical Command would be a welcome addition to the library.

And while there are so many GBA games I’d love to see added to the Nintendo Switch, there are also a lot of GBA games I absolutely do not want added. These are games that have no place on a modern console and, if they appeared, I might throw my Switch into my kitchen sink and pour a pot of boiling perogies on it. Then I’d buy a new Switch and feel bad about it because I’ve tried to be better with money and I’m not cutting out before the Paper Mario remake drops.

I Need More Non-Action Games Set In Hell

Hell might be cool as, well, hell, but there should be more non-action games set there.

That all said, here are the Top 10 Game Boy Advance games I personally do not want to see on Switch.

10. Elf Bowling 1 & 2

There was a time when the internet was a different kind of stupid than it is now. Nowadays, going online is like walking into a bar where guys in wraparound sunglasses take shots of Jager and try to fight you. It’s all knees and elbows. Back in the day, people were mostly just entertained by anything. It was easier. A bowling game in which you knock over Christmas elves went super viral. Which back then meant maybe 15 people of the 200 on the World Wide Web saw it. But those people loved it. If you weren’t there, it’s hard to describe.

That said, the ports of Elf Bowling 1 & 2 on the Game Boy Advance are really accurate. Unfortunately, it’s because Elf Bowling is terrible and the developer understood the assignment. Both games in this collection are bad and kind of embarrassing? But that’s not why I want it excluded from the Switch. I want it excluded because it painfully reminds me of a more innocent time in which giddy grandparents sent links to Elf Bowling and not a racist manifesto that mentions the letters “D.E.I.” fourteen times.

9. Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories

I’ve got nothing against this game personally. I’ve just got something against Kingdom Hearts. I don’t understand you, Kingdom Hearts. I want to! I want to feel the love! I like Final Fantasy! I like Disney! I just… don’t have it. Maybe I’ll try again.

Wait, this is already available on Switch… but only through cloud streaming? Hell no. Screw it, put it on the service. It ain’t for me, but it’s for someone!

8. Super Monkey Ball, Jr.

A person I was dating once asked what I wanted for my birthday and I said Super Monkey Ball, Jr. and she made fun of me the rest of the day. “Not a regular monkey ball? A SUPER monkey ball!” I think she’s now happy in California with a family. Good for her. I still don’t want to see this and have to deal with the memories. Good game, though. Great use of GBA’s graphical potential. 8/10.

7. Mortal Kombat Advance

I love Mortal Kombat. I have loved it from 1992’s Mortal Kombat 1 all the way to 2023’s Mortal Kombat 1. I am a very big fan of the series. I’ve asked to be on podcasts about it. I am willing to be punished severely by bad ports. I own and love the portable versions of Mortal Kombat 1 (the old 1) and 2 (currently the only 2). And those are not that great! So, before I write the next paragraph, please remember that I am a very big, very loyal Mortal Kombat fan.

Mortal Kombat Advance is so bad. Don’t get me wrong! It’s based on a good game! But it’s bad in the same way that getting yelled at on your first day of a job is bad. It runs weird, it plays weird, and the enemy AI feels like someone put button presses to “random.” Did it deserve the zeros that magazines gave it at the time? No. Did it deserve higher than a two? Also no.

6. Big Mutha Truckers

As someone who was often called “Mother Trucker” as a kid because of my last name, I’m afraid this game is a disappointment. At least it’s got vaguely offensive box art! But if you’re looking for a game that replicates the feeling of driving a semi-truck across America, there are still better games. A ton of them, weirdly.

On the other hand, it would be pretty funny to see fans react if Nintendo did a big video announcing additions to Switch Online and this was one of them. If they did Alone in the Dark on the Game Boy Color, they can definitely do it here.

5. Quest 64

This was never released on the Game Boy Advance so it shouldn’t be put in the Game Boy Advance library. Debate me!

4. Sonic the Hedgehog

Remember Mortal Kombat Advance? Same thing, but for Sonic the Hedgehog. Love the game. Love the series. This port feels like Sega was trying to convince fans that they should give up a little. Playing it makes you understand how adults must have felt when I was a kid and they couldn’t figure out how to jump right. And it’s not even the best Sonic game! There’s a reason it’s still not in the Switch Online Genesis library. We’re talking about a simple port of the first game in a series that appeared on a console two generations back.

“But, Mike! Why would they even think about putting it on Switch? Sonic is already available in multiple collections!” Okay, dreamer. There are three different versions of Mario 2 and 3 between all the Switch Online virtual consoles. Don’t act like we can’t get the worst version of Sonic. Don’t even think it.

3. Urban Yeti!

I’ve got no problem with this game, but if it ever hit Switch Online, our entire world would shut down. Children would stay home from school to play Urban Yeti. Adults would quit their jobs to play Urban Yeti. Babies would go unfed. Plants would go unwatered. Soon the hospital is free of doctors. No firefighters come when a house is burning. No clergy give last rites. Society itself would come apart at the seams.

After humanity’s demise, when a new sentient species rises or visits this planet, they will find nothing but a global graveyard, the last monument to our hubris. And they will spend years pondering the only clue left behind: A tree carved with the words “Urban Yeti.”

Honestly, the more I describe these games, the more I actually do want them added.

2. The March of the Penguins

Surprise! There’s actually a very real video game based on the Morgan Freeman-narrated documentary! Believe it or not, games based on documentaries are pretty common. I’ve always been fond of Konami’s Grey Gardens and Capcom’s Thin Blue Line. God, those could really exist, couldn’t they? I’m not even going to Google it.

So! The March of the Penguins! It does qualify because it was on the Game Boy Advance, the system we’ve been discussing. It’s basically Lemmings, which should be cool as hell! Giving Penguins little bridge building tools and umbrellas and whatnot and so forth. It’s probably good that this game doesn’t really make the characters jump to their death. Instead they sort of look over a cliff and act like, “Nope.”

1. Drill Dozer

Naaaaah, just kidding. You’re alright in my book, Drill Dozer!

2024 Will Be The Year I Clear Out My Backlog, Until I Don’t

I'm going to try really hard to clear out my backlog, even though I know all attempts lead to failure.