EA Sports FC 24 finds itself in a tough position. It needs to promise a shake up, a revolution. Something that says ‘hey, the name change was worth it, this is even better than FIFA could have ever dreamed of’. But it also needs to appeal to casual fans already confused and even annoyed at the name change, and prove that it’s ‘just like FIFA’. It’s keeping Ultimate Team and the card aesthetics, but it has given the ratings a major shakeup.

In most cases, it’s as you expect. Erling Haaland is still very good. Crewe Alexandra’s third choice keeper is still very bad. But this year sees one of the biggest boosts the game has ever seen, as well as one of the biggest downgrades. Better yet, most people will agree that they seem like the right call.

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The downgrade is for the man, the myth, the pizza party legend himself, Jaime Vardy. The Leicester forward started last season on 85, which might have been a little kind. As Old Father Time comes for him, Vardy drops to a more suitable 78. Age and relegation will do that to you. He’s lost five points in shooting, and eight in pace, and when that’s basically his whole deal, the lower rating reflects where Vardy is in his career right now.

Meanwhile, Napoli winger and tormentor of defenders and enunciators everywhere, Khvicha Kvaratskhelia has had one of the biggest upgrades the series has ever seen. Starting last season as an unknown prospect in a team with middling expectations, he fired them to the Scudetto and the semi final of the Champions League, alongside Victor Osimhen. He was a lowly 74 at the start of last season, and only Silver Rated. One Scudetto later, he’s now rubbing shoulders with the best in the world at 86.

Kvaratskhelia has gotten a bump of three in pace (he was already nippy at 81), eight in dribbling, ten in passing, and a meteoric rise of an extra 14 in shooting. EA has been known to give players ‘fake’ ratings to reflect their real world quality despite them not fitting into FIFA’s stats (Thomas Muller is the most famous example), but Kvara is a classic FIFA player archetype and could dominate this year.

FIFA ratings themselves are made up, and there’s no point arguing about them. As a Newcastle fan, I can see our ratings are all wrong. Isak has the same rating as Almiron. Gordon is the worst rated winger in our squad. Willock has a worse rating than Dan Burn. It’s all just fiction.

This year though, we’ve moved on from arguing about how [insert my club]’s CDM is one point lower than he should be and that it’s the mark of a lifelong agenda everyone in football has against [insert my club]. We’ve decided to be even less productive.

Rather than fervently discussing the ratings from our own clubs and chalking them up to conspiracies, the major issue fans have at the moment is the fact women and men play together. This is a game where the ghosts of dead legends can team up with a Petr Cech strike gif you collect their fake trading cards, don’t pretend realism is the point for you. Hopefully that nonsense will abate in time and everyone can get back to spending their money in Ultimate Team while I have fun by myself in Career Mode. I might even sign Kvaratskhelia to replace Gordon - the ratings demand it.

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