My One Takeaway From A Minecraft Movie Is That Steve Is Awful At The Game
There’s a lot wrong with A Minecraft Movie, but I don’t want to beat a dead chicken jockey here. What really irked me was just how bad Steve, Mr. Minecraft himself, is at the game.
He’s been trapped inside it for years, which doesn’t mean playing the game on and off; it means playing it 24 hours a day, seven days a week. It means living it. And yet, all he’s accomplished is a slightly renovated village. He gets around on minecarts (just build an ice bridge!) that even go through a creeper farm. But calling it a farm is generous: he breeds them in a cave for… reasons? His ‘stash’ is also tiny, and he only bothers to wear armour in the final fight, which breaks immediately.
At no point, even with a huge hoard of diamonds, did Steve ever build a beacon, though that’s hardly surprising since he’d have to kill the Wither, meaning he’d have to make it more than five feet in the Nether. Sure, that means coming up against Malgosha and her legions, but Steve could’ve just gone exploring and built a new Nether portal that opened up somewhere else. Instead, he was imprisoned. Punch the bars, dude.
He also never built an iron farm, mob farm, automated wool farm, tree farm, or anything whatsoever useful.
Since he’s never explored the Nether, he has no Netherrite gear or homemade potions. Instead, Steve has spent years in the first village he found, right by spawn, hiding with the testificates and mindlessly hoarding diamonds. I get it; he yearns to mine, but I’ve already done more in my annual two-week phase than he has in what looks to be decades.
How’d He Get An Elytra, Anyway?
Worse than the lack of farms and the awful storage management is that Steve said he’s only ever killed one Enderman. I get it. They seem scary when you start out, but it doesn’t take long to discover that they’re terrified of water (of which he has a bucket full of) and can’t hit back if you hide under a block. Steve never figured that out, and yet, somehow, he has an Elytra. Scratch that; he has three.
For context, they can only be found in End Cities, which means going to the End and slaying the Ender Dragon. That requires gathering Ender Pearls from Endermen and turning them into Eyes of Ender with Blaze Powder, which you get from the Nether, to open an End Portal (take a shot every time I say ‘End’).
You’d think he would have a few Totems of Undying handy, too, but nope.
There’s no way he did all of that. Especially with what he tells us in the movie. I know, it's a children's film, and the people making it aren't trawling over the minutiae of how Minecraft works, like me, a 24-year-old on their latest hyperfixation. The answer to this plothole is simple: Warner Bros. is more concerned with selling toys (the Elytra is even featured in the McDonald’s range), and director Jared Hess "wanted a Falkor moment from The Neverending Story". That's it.
But like the kids harassing cinemagoers and ushers alike, I want to be annoying and complain about the inner workings of the Minecraft movie. So, how did he get it? Either he got a very, very lucky seed and found an already-lit portal and miraculously slew the dragon, or there was a player before Steve who left some goodies behind. Maybe Herobrine, eh?
Whatever the case - Steve, you suck at the game.
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Sandbox Survival Systems 10.0/10 OpenCritic Reviews Top Critic Avg: 90/100 Critics Rec: 84% Released November 18, 2011 ESRB E10+ For Everyone 10+ Due To Fantasy Violence Developer(s) Mojang Publisher(s) Mojang Engine LWJGL, PROPRIETARY ENGINEWHERE TO PLAY
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