Dateable Disasters: 10 Least Likable Dating Profiles

Date Everything! stands out as one of the most extensive dating simulators to have launched recently, featuring a quirky cast of inanimate objects as potential romantic interests. While many characters may catch your eye with their charm and humor, it’s crucial to recognize that not all of them will inspire affection. Some options are undeniably cute or surprisingly profound—like a shelf grappling with anxiety—whereas others can be quite intolerable.

From an eccentric toilet with lofty aspirations to a self-absorbed candleholder and even a decayed mousetrap that seems to harbor murderous tendencies, the game’s roster of 100 dateables includes a range of personalities. Unfortunately, it’s inevitable that a few less-than-appealing characters manage to slip through the cracks. In this article, we explore the top ten least likable dateables you’ll encounter in Date Everything!

10. The Hanks

The Hangers

Upon starting Date Everything!, I instinctively steer clear of The Hanks. They’re not inherently problematic; rather, they are unbelievably tedious. Engaging with them often results in an excruciating deluge of incoherent rambling—it’s the kind of dialogue that makes you question your existence.

Their conversations resemble a cringeworthy Twitter thread cluttered with stale memes and forced slang, difficult for anyone—maybe even anthropomorphized objects—to decipher. Each interaction feels like a drain on your intelligence, leading me to conclude that perhaps The Hanks should have been omitted from the cast.

9. Jacques

The Ship in a Bottle

Jacques brings a peculiar brand of oddness to the table. Engaging with this wannabe pirate feels more like a trial than a date; he often critiques your very being while delivering a jumble of antiquated pirate lingo. While he presents as an intimidating presence, his bark exceeds his bite, but that hardly makes conversations less tedious.

His demeanor is akin to a feisty little dog standing tall against the world. Although he doesn’t rank as the absolute worst among the dateables, he is certainly far from enjoyable.

8. Kristoff

The Treadmill

Kristoff invokes images of a failed fitness influencer—boisterous, temperamental, and fixated on aggressive athleticism. Each interaction feels like you’ve unwittingly enrolled in an intense workout regimen, with him shouting assertions about the merits of pain and the supposed weakness that you embody.

This character embodies the stereotypical gym bully who constantly critiques your technique. While I understand that different individuals express affection in various ways, this guy channels love through a barrage of motivational threats. To put it bluntly, I would find more joy dating a pile of used coffee grounds than getting involved with this energy-draining figure.

7. Lux

The Lights

Lux emerges as one of the most self-absorbed and conceited personalities around. He functions as an obnoxious content creator, perpetually broadcasting live streams and promotional content, much to the dismay of the other dateables.

You can hardly engage in a genuine conversation with him without feeling like a guest at a poorly received meet-and-greet. Lux doesn’t seek a partner; he wants an audience, making the prospect of dating him feel more like serving as unpaid staff for his ego.

6. Dishy

The Dishwasher

Dishy, a sentient dishwasher with a face and limbs, leaves me in a state of confusion. He communicates in a way that can only be described as reminiscent of a cheesy 90s infomercial, which teeters precariously between unsettling and bizarre.

Every dialogue with him blurs the lines between flirting and indulging his delusions, with one moment revealing a semblance of sentience, while the next he’s inundating you with updates designed to “enhance your dishwashing experience.”Dishy lacks genuine personality, exuding more corporate cheer than authentic emotion.

5. Sinclair

The Sink

Encountering Sinclaire, the anthropomorphized sink, brought unexpected surprises. The only charm factor is probably his canine companion, Sudsy. Sinclaire shares Dishy’s lack of relatability, yet he still possesses a humanoid form.

His porcelain head, complete with pipes and handles resembling eyebrows, defines an uncanny appearance. Although his paranoia seems overwhelming, claiming to have been cursed into his current state, there’s an elusive mystery surrounding his character’s backstory. Is he integral to the game’s plot or merely a delusional household fixture? Interacting with him rarely yields clear answers.

4. Scandalabra

The Candelabra

Preparing to engage with Scandalabra is a daunting task. Conversations with this character feel more like punishments for daring to approach him rather than an opportunity for companionship.

Every interaction spirals into dramatic rants punctuated by overly theatrical gasps and gossip about the ‘latest’ conflicts among household items. Transforming everyday chatter into an exhausting torrent of drama, dating Scandalabra is akin to engaging in a marathon of relentless gossip that leaves you drained instead of entertained.

3. Telly

The TV

Telly may not be the worst of the dateables, yet my discomfort rises sharply whenever he appears on screen. His dialogue is rigidly structured in rhyme, which quickly loses charm as he rambles through cringeworthy monologues about television history and the perceived decline of cinematic appreciation.

With a television head presenting a painted-on face akin to a hastily executed Halloween mask, Telly’s delivery channels a cheesy ‘90s public service announcement, complete with outdated slang. It’s a peculiar combination that renders every exchange interminable.

2. Vaughn Trapp

The Mousetrap

Vaughn Trapp exemplifies the “woeful side character”trope, but unfortunately for players in Date Everything!, he stands as the main love interest—reminding players of his perceived superiority every step of the way.

Short, stout, and perpetually seething, he embodies a caricature of tumultuous rage that makes every conversation devolve into bitter complaints about his lack of appreciation and the burden of being a one-man executioner for pests.

Bringing up a preference for humane traps can ignite a furious reaction, leading to passive-aggressive warfare through passive-aggressive remarks. Dating Vaughn is akin to navigating a treacherous terrain filled with emotional landmines.

1. Jean Loo

The Toilet

Jean Loo, infamous for his unwanted attention, epitomizes the ultimate undesirable dateable. He holds the dubious honor of being the most insufferable character, overshadowing even the most challenging options.

If you’re seriously attracted to this toilet, it might be time for some professional help. His talent for ear-splitting, rhymed freestyles surpasses Telly’s strains of cringeworthy rap—to an almost unbearable extent. Engaging in an interaction leads to an unsolicited rap battle, whereby he routinely critiques your poetic skills.

With an air of arrogance, utter disregard for cleanliness, and a wholly unrelatable persona, Jean Loo is perhaps the riskiest gamble in touchy romantic endeavors, showcasing a lost opportunity for meaningful interactions.

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